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VOODOO BEING A SERIOUS BUSiness, Ernest Bratton -- Dr. Buzzard to

you -- has a code of ethics. He will not, for example, kill anyone, even

though he knows exactly how to. All he needs is the horn of a certain

bull, some graveyard dirt and a lemon. Then give him 72 hours and the

targeted human will cease to exist. Dr. Buzzard could do this. But this

voodoo man won't touch that job. No, sir.

From his Alexandria apartment, Dr. Buzzard -- veteran of 46 years in

the business, star of his own new home video "Voo Doo, Hoo Doo, You Do"

-- prefers to use his gift to do good. He prefers to save, not sicken.

Seated behind his desk, surrounded by withered claws, red skulls and

tiny vials of oils and elixirs, Dr. Buzzard lectures his video audience

on his readiness to cure AIDS, find missing people, win lotteries, get

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jobs and solve crises of the heart.

All for a price, of course. Like any responsible professional,

Bratton has a price list. Cure AIDS, $21,000. Get an innocent man off

Death Row, $21,000. End financial woes, $1,500. Solve sexual problems,

This is not money tossed to the wind, Dr. Buzzard promises. This man

gives guarantees. And there are no secrets. All is revealed on the

video, $24.95 plus postage (sales already more than $500,000, he says).

Let's say you are a senior citizen looking for love. Get yourself a

red wax skull and dress it with olive oil. Burn that thing after 7 p.m.,

while reading the 27th Psalm, for seven nights in a row. After 27 days,

your lover shall appear before you.

But Dr. Buzzard, where is the proof? Can your gift possibly be

perfect? Does the magic work every time?

"There's no doubt about it," he says. "Living proof."

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Have you never failed?

"One time," he concedes. It was a love problem, a woman who needed

her man returned to her. Dr. Buzzard charged $1,200 and guaranteed

success. "I brought her husband back to the lady, but he died on the

way. At least she got the body. And she was happy with that. She tipped

Bratton, who says he "was never graduated from a school," is the son

of a South Carolina voodoo man. "I knew I had the gift when I was 6 and

I could see visions of dead people. From 10 to 15, I was extremely

gruesome, killed a lot of animals."

But over time, Dr. Buzzard decided to clean up his use of the

spirits. He became socially acceptable. He started wearing a suit. He

made more money. He got on TV. "I have been on Tom Snyder, David

Letterman, Oprah Winfrey, 'Pittsburgh 2 Day,' 'AM Detroit.' It is my

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main success in life to be on TV."

Bratton has discovered a considerable market for practical voodoo.

People will pay to know that you can halt the ravages of cancer by

giving your cancer a name, like Nancy or Jim. Or prevent sexual diseases

by carrying around a sack of brown- skinned onions and eating one

immediately after each encounter.

The Dr. Buzzard Diet is guaranteed to make you drop those extra

pounds. Get down to the Safeway and get yourself a case of sauerkraut

juice. Suck down a glass morning and night, all the while continuing

your normal diet of Whoppers, doughnuts and Bud. "Any type of weight you

want to lose will automatically start deteriorating off you," Dr.

Buzzard promises.

As much as he has sanitized his voodoo, Dr. Buzzard will still rev up

the darker spirits on special occasions. He has a neat little wooden

figurine he calls the "Seven Steps to Hell." It is available if you have

someone whom you have come to dislike rather intensely, perhaps an

ex-lover or a pesty neighbor whom, as the good doctor puts it, "you want

to put in a wheelchair. Well, you just burn this, and that person will

never bother you again in your life."

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